MassKara Chronicles: The MassKara Queen Spectacle

“Aargh!” “Eurgh!” “Aaaaaaaaahhhh!”
Common reactions from the  House of Horrors, starring decapitated heads and faux human entrails that look suspiciously like last night’s chicken dinuguan.
“Aargh!” “Eurgh!” “Aaaaaaaaahhhh!”
Common reactions at SM mall during the press presentation of the MassKara Queen candidates for the year starring… well, I don’t want to sound sexist but I don’t want to lie either. Let the reactions talk.
Anyhooo… I was one of those invited for the press presentation. There was one girl who keeps on waving her arm as if presenting an Inno Sotto gown, except with the frequent way that she did it, you might think there’s a huge boil growing on her underarm (there was none, thank God). I slipped in and out of a coma throughout the presentation, just coming to long enough for me to vote for the girl who I thought has “It”. Jan Maricris Vega, a La Sallian student, won as Darling of the Press. She was also Best in Question in Answer. She wasn’t particularly witty; her answer would get lost in a sea of witty bon mots from past pageants (“High tide or low tide?”), but she was the only one who managed to answer the question without mangling the English language. At the end of the show, though, I sort of wanted to take back the vote after the girl’s rather noisy fans started screaming like idiots. Minus points for bringing imbeciles to the show… the morons don’t know how to behave in public. My over-excited pitbull, currently diagnosed with ADHD, displayed more decorum. 
And on with the show… Nothing remarkable happened, really. No Melanie Marquez-ish “long-legged legs” to speak of, nobody wants to join the education department just so she could save the diminishing tarsiers.  
The girl just paraded with their flight attendant smiles. One of the girls even tried to affect an American accent (why?), and the host referred to judge Chrysee Semillano as “Creasy” (like the Denzel Washington character in Man on Fire. Okay, now repeat after me: Cry-see. Now say that 10 times over so you won’t forget.) 
Highlight of the event: A performance from an artist who wore nothing but thin boxer shorts. A couple of things made a surprise appearance as he kept on crossing and uncrossing his legs. And I’m not saying what. Let’s just say I’ve had bad dreams for three nights now, my dreams always featuring giant b- spheres chasing after me. (EEEEEEEEKKKK!) 
And now a compendium of knee-slappers from the previous pageants that I covered (with my bitchy remarks in italics afterwards):

Q: What makes you proud of Bacolod?
A: I am proud of Bacolod because it has a lot of beautiful natural resources. (What are you referring to, darling? The yellowish beaches of Punta Taytay or the murky Magsungay River?)

Q: What do you intend to do after this?
A: After this, I would like to live a simple lifestyle and be a fashion model at the same time. (Honey, you want a simple lifestyle? Ditch your modeling dreams, don a saffron toga and join the Dalai Lama in Tibet.)

 Q: What do you do during spare time?
 A: I go to a silent place in myself and do some soul-searching. (How… um… transcendental.)
 
Q: What do you think is your best asset?
 A: My legs, because the color of my legs is fair. (Huh?)

 Q: Which would you rather have, happiness or gratification?
 A: Gratification.
 Q: (Taken aback.) Why? What is gratification for you?
 A: Gratification is… gratitude. (Is that it? *Stalks away to look into the dictionary*)

Q: What is your favorite among your five senses and why?
A: My sense of sight, because they make me see the beauty of the world and of God’s gentle creatures. (Where have you been, honey? Have you just emerged from your self-exile in Avalon or something?)

And of course, this gem from the recent batch of candidates.

Q: Why did you join the contest?
A: SO that I can gain friends and boost my confidence. (Yeah… being paraded in front of an audience on the look-out for an unsightly peklat must do wonders for your ego.)

It’s too early to tell who would really win. Not when, as a friend puts it, “there ain’t no beauty in this pageant”. I disagree. One or two girls look half-way decent.  As for the rest… well… nothing to say except one of them resembles a refugee from a starvation camp (eat up, girl!).
Guess we will just have to wait come pageant night, huh? Then we can see which really deserves the crown, and which one would let us hope we are spared of the farce unraveling before our eyes.