Friday, December 5, 2008

Of Emo and the Vamps


What’s with the emo rev? First, it infects music. Now, the vampires.
Grrrrrr… Okay, take a good look at the pic right there. Cake make-up, cheesy lipstick, dark eyeshadows. Stupid vapid vampire.  
I, along with the rest of the family, watched the movie that has the tween set swooning, sighing and cracking their heads on the vinyl theater floors. Of course, I’m talking about Twilight, that over-rated movie about gorgeous (?) vampires with really bad make-up.
While the girl at my back was shrieking, my seven-year-old niece beside me was yawning, “This is not creepy, this is boring.”  
Right on, gurl! Okay, okay… I get it. The movie was all about (supposed) repression and abstinence, so I did the next best thing. Maybe I was just missing something. So I DLed the book.
And boy, was I surprised. The book was written in Sweet Dreams prose, with a lot of references to how “penetrating” and “tantalizing” the eyes of the main biter was (can’t remember what the name was – sounded Irish. And really, I don’t care.) Look, if you have a vampire book and the vampires are as interesting as the mold forming in my three-day enchilada, how good can that get?
So in frustration, I went home and watched Keyser Soze instead, a character exponentially more menacing than an emo neckbiter.  At least, my cerebral cortex wasn't left numb for two hours...

Saturday, November 8, 2008

Seven Legionnaires + 1: The Tale of Internet Addiction


Or Who Lurks in the Dark When You’re Online

Note on photo: The Magnificent Seven, yes... the Legionnaires? Um... no...


Why is it that crack addicts and computer aficionados are both called users?
That query has been a staple of stand-up comics and fire-and-brimstone preachers of the Jerry Falwell kind, you know the kind that sees the hand of the Devil in Atari, NES, Tinky-Winky and Barney.
The Teletubbies and Barney aside, quite a ruckus has been raised regarding the evils of the new evil: online games. Yup… am talking about anything from Diablo to any of the RAs to WoW (if you don’t know any of this, stop reading. This article ain’t for you.)
Now, there are addicts, and there are addicts.
And then there’s the Seven Legionnaires. According to recent studies (mostly mine – hehehe), these Magnificent Seven has nothing to do with the Roman Empire and has everything to do with levels of addiction of experienced by the young people today. I’ve met them, mostly through online fora. I’m sharing the travails of the Seven Legionnaires to you. Who knows, you might know one of them. Or you could be one of them.
The Kid. The most adorable, loveable kid this corner of the Internet world. I just luuuuurv this kid. Has an over-developed right hemisphere, which kind of compensates for his lack of macho genes. Age, not certain. Looks 12, but has mental capacity of a 21-year-old. Maybe he’s 21. Maybe not. Cute to a fault. Staunch defender of the Creationism Theory. Plays spiritual adviser to lost, damned souls. And did I say I love this kid?
Back story: According to The Kid, he came from Harrogath. He decided to join the Seven Legionnaires because he wants to defend Mankind’s last stand from the dark elements. Asking around, I discovered that the Kid is actually good-looking, but in some way has displeased God, so he was cursed, trapped in a 12-year-old body. Or (if The Jock is to be believed) he was a Paladin, but he forged an unholy alliance with Baal as part of his sacrifice. So he was trapped in 12-year-old body. Not sure which is true.
Online Behavior: Plays fair in online games. Is usually OL, doing OL activities from 12 to 12, risking a lot from his sex life (if he has any) to his social life (he has a lot – most of which is done online). Goes offline only to take a bath and eat.
Mortality Rate: 75 percent. He still eats, but hey, you can never tell how addled the brain can get once it gets exposed to radiation 12 hours a day. Remember Chernobyl? Although I think that’s a different kind of radiation…

The Chick Magnet. Despite his sexual shenanigans, really a gentleman at heart. Quite liberal about views on women (character is more important than a hymen!). But quite conservative in certain areas (gays should be burned at the stake!). Quite attractive to girls (not this girl, though). Seen his pic. Looks androgynous. But I’ve received a lot of calls and e-mails from girls wanting to get laid by him. Sexual libido so potent, there’s not a virgin within a five-meter radius from him. Hmmm… I wonder why. Irrevocably neurotic. Scoffs at the Illuminati. Whatever that is. Hates crabs.
Back story. This charmer is a reformed online predator. Rumored to have given live human sacrifices before the altar of Asmodeus, the Lord of Lust. The Asshole calls CM a Pedophile. Now, Chick Magnet refused to divulge personal information about himself (no matter how fictitious), so I did my own research. Based on “sources”, he joined the Seven Legionnaires because of crabs. No, not the kind you are thinking of. The kind that lives in water. Yes. Giant ones. Seems like Big Giant Crabs invaded his village one day, destroyed his computer and made off with his wife and kids. That explains why he hates crabs.
Online Behavior. Plays fair, most of the time. Spends an average of five to 9 hours online. Opens his YM, only to leave it for some other things. Used to lurk online for sexual prospects. Has reformed since then.
Mortality rate: 30 percent. Points for being a reformed sexual offender.

The Turk. Classic tall, dark and handsome. Hottest among the Seven. Think a Roman Tom Cruise in his Top Gun days, ‘xcept The Turk’s taller. Two most important things in life: his formidable grandmother and his monthly online subscription to RA (or whatever is the IT game of the moment). As smart as he is handsome. Hates crab jokes. Hates jokes altogether. Obliviously ignorant to the swarms of girls drooling over his majestic presence. Very down-to-earth. Would have made a good husband, except he’s already married – to his computer.
Back story. Fought in the Crusades on Saladin’s side. Seduced the Queen and very nearly succeeded. Joined the Legion because he still couldn’t believe Richard the Lionheart could be so deceitful. Vows to retake Jerusalem at all costs. When he’s not fighting in The Crusades, he loans money to fellow-warriors at 20 percent interest per annum. He’s The Asshole’s whip, often admonishing the latter esp. in formal parties, “Asshole, don’t be yourself.”
Online Behavior: Plays with equal amounts of smarts, strategy and “no mercy” (just ask The Kid). Got bored with DOTA after he killed three characters with one stroke. Has propensity to cheat. Has been online for 36 hours at one time. Has a habit of trolling. Neglects to eat and attends to his personal effects esp. in a middle of an intense game. Despite good looks, remains painfully single because of his habit.
Mortality rate. 90 percent. As much as I hate to admit it (after all, who doesn’t love The Turk?), at the rate things are going, he ought to be dead by now. Which would send The Artist and dozens of girls grieving.

The Dark Prince. Easily my favorite character. Swings from Democrat to Republican in a blink of an eye. Woefully liberal and cynical, especially against Organized Religion and Politics, but quite homophobic. (See the swing from Left to Right?) Mind too difficult to fathom. A genius. A gentleman through and through. Haven’t seen him crack a smile. Not once. Sometimes too serious for his own good. But has a good heart. That’s important. One of those I would really miss when he’s gone.
Back story. Actually, I was too scared to ask him personally. The Kid tells me he was spawned in the hottest area in the center of the earth. Also goes by the name Mephistopheles, Baal and Beelzebub, although The Chick Magnet swears that The DP is Satan himself. He joined the Legion because he plans to take over the earth and throw down God one soul at a time. He lives presently with his adopted parents, after a group of archeologists dug him up. Has an adopted brother. (When he says, “My brother is an only child,” he’s actually telling the truth.) Not to be confused with Hellboy. Or Superman for that matter.
Online Behavior: Plays deceitfully, although his minion swears, “He’s just a master. Period.” Is vulnerable to sparklies from certain OL games. Spends eight hours online, but makes it a point log off at 11 pm. Good boy. Or shall I say, Good Devil.
Mortality Rate: 30 percent. Could have been lower, except for the sparklies thing.

The Asshole. Aka The Cool One. Notoriously right-wing. Voted Republican then, still votes Republican now. Often goes into protracted arguments with The Chick Magnet over his right-wing views on women. A “gentle” man. Sources say he’s gay, and his virulent homophobia is just a front. Can’t tell if it’s true. Biggest achievement to date: Chugging a bottle of beer in three seconds (does that account for the beer belly?). Small daily achievements: Annoying the heck out of people within the 15-meter-radius. Like his name implies, an arsehole. Has an unreasonable hatred against crabs.
Back story: Fought with Alexander the Great during the battle of Thermopylae. Or was that Leonidas? I’m confused. Anyway, according to rumors, one day Leonidas the Great called upon our hero over to his tent. The Asshole was not the same since. Joined the Legion to recover lost dignity.
Online Behavior. Always busy. Has propensity to go off line on you, even in the middle of chatting. Goes online for six hours. Maybe even less. Dabbles into sports too (real ones, not the ones involving a joy stick or a mouse).
Mortality Rate: 15 percent. He’s more into sports, anyway.

The Jock. Ah… model student. Two ways: Great abs, great attitude. Doesn’t make his relative poverty get in the way of getting a good education. Girl-crazy (aren’t they all?). He keeps a list of girls as prospects and keeps a Friendster account for the very same reason. He hits on every other girl he knows online (except this girl, for some reason), but always ends up dry. Maybe, he should take lessons from The Chick Magnet. He is into sports. Very down-to-earth. Very good-looking, patrician features. His bone structure is almost too feminine, prompting talks about sex change (hehehe). Middle-of-the-road politics. Could be naïve sometimes. Very likeable.
Back Story. The Lover of Shandelzare Silkwood. He went on a quest to avenge Shandelzare’s death, not knowing that his lover has already been risen from the dead. Forged alliance with one of them necromancers, so that he could blast Mortred (the gal who wasted Shandelzare) into an exploding corpse. Joined the Legionnaires for the very same reason.
Online Behavior: Rarely online (thanks Globe!). Is online long enough to chat for five minutes, then goes offline. Then online again. Then offline.
Mortality rate: 5 percent. Thanks to Globe.

The Artist. Has an over-grown right hemisphere. No left hemisphere. CAT scan startled doctors at the find. Often too busy with church-y activities (?). Great with guitars, good singing voice. Feeble jokes, but the rest of the Legionnaires laugh anyway. His face is funnier than his jokes… hahaha. Very likeable. Rumored to be The Turk’s lover (“You wanna eat my balut, Mr Turk?” “Don’t want to… your balut is too hairy!”). Musical choice very eclectic: From Fashionista to Christian rock, to BisRock (Baboy, anyone?).
Back Story: No back story. Just joined the Legion because of The Turk. His nationality is difficult to pinpoint. He’s obviously Pinoy because he knows balut, but looks Syrian. Could be Grecian-Filipino. He was once minstrel in the court of Leonidas but left in disgust when he witnessed what happened to The Asshole. Still owes The Turk some money (not sure if that’s the reason for his attachment.)
Online Behavior: Intermittent appearance. Is online only when he has no other things to do, no drums to bang.
Mortality rate. 5 percent, thanks to the banging.

And now, the Plus 1.

The Clown. Sports nut. Car and basketball fanatic. Once had abs to rival Leonidas, now, it’s mostly beer (or Pepsi) belly. The Original Chick Magnet. Barack supporter (Go! Barack!) Drowns himself in Pepsi every day. Great jokes (DOH! He’s a clown!) Musical preferences eclectic: from country to jazz to Dave Matthews Band. Would kill anybody who would say a bad word vs the band. Jordan hater; LeBron lover (NOT that kind of lover). Love this guy!
Back story: The Clown originally served the court of one of the Louis until he (the Louis, not the Clown) lost his head. Now, he can’t get away from his day job, so he spends hours entertaining the Legionnaires. Often sits in front of The Turk, learning strategies from the master. Joined the Legionnaires… to entertain them.
Online Behavior: Goes online for four, five hours. Surfs mostly sports news, porn and stand-up comedies. Remember the games in the old Nintendo family computer? A lot of those games have a bonus round where the player can pile up points without the risk of losing the character’s life. He doesn’t pile up the points. Instead other players pile up points because of him… yes, he’s that bad despite the teachings of The Turk.
Mortality Rate. 25 percent. Should be only 1 percent, but chances of survival lowers because of his diet (The guy eats everything that doesn’t move! That’s why The Kid has to move incessantly whenever The Clown is around, else The Clown might take him for something edible.) Great survival rate for a guy who can’t play.

Friday, October 24, 2008

World Food Month


You know what's the other name for October?  

It's World Food Month according to the UN.  'Course, the month will not be complete without my mentioning it.  So in memory of the millions suffering from famine, the peasants who have barely enough food to eat while their masters dine in caviar chased by Monsieur Perignon, I commemorate the month in their honor, along with this legendary pic from one of the lamented members of the Bang-Bang Club, Kevin Carter.  It's a heartbreaking picture of a famine-stricken Sudanese toddler crawling her way to the UN Feeding Center while a vulture waits in the background.  The picture had bothered the beejesus out of my seven-year-old niece who was bugged by the fact that a child that young might actually die because of sheer lack of food.

So the next time you dismiss sweet spaghetti as a mere "bastardization" of past-uh, the next time you start tapping your gag reflex just so you could fit into your size 2 5o1s, the next time you order a second helping in a eat-all-you-can buffet (and throw the rest  to waste anyway), think of the child who has neither of those luxuries.   

In honor of the penniless, foodless people all over the world, this is for you.  

Tuesday, October 7, 2008

MassKara Chronicles: The MassKara Queen Spectacle

“Aargh!” “Eurgh!” “Aaaaaaaaahhhh!”
Common reactions from the  House of Horrors, starring decapitated heads and faux human entrails that look suspiciously like last night’s chicken dinuguan.
“Aargh!” “Eurgh!” “Aaaaaaaaahhhh!”
Common reactions at SM mall during the press presentation of the MassKara Queen candidates for the year starring… well, I don’t want to sound sexist but I don’t want to lie either. Let the reactions talk.
Anyhooo… I was one of those invited for the press presentation. There was one girl who keeps on waving her arm as if presenting an Inno Sotto gown, except with the frequent way that she did it, you might think there’s a huge boil growing on her underarm (there was none, thank God). I slipped in and out of a coma throughout the presentation, just coming to long enough for me to vote for the girl who I thought has “It”. Jan Maricris Vega, a La Sallian student, won as Darling of the Press. She was also Best in Question in Answer. She wasn’t particularly witty; her answer would get lost in a sea of witty bon mots from past pageants (“High tide or low tide?”), but she was the only one who managed to answer the question without mangling the English language. At the end of the show, though, I sort of wanted to take back the vote after the girl’s rather noisy fans started screaming like idiots. Minus points for bringing imbeciles to the show… the morons don’t know how to behave in public. My over-excited pitbull, currently diagnosed with ADHD, displayed more decorum. 
And on with the show… Nothing remarkable happened, really. No Melanie Marquez-ish “long-legged legs” to speak of, nobody wants to join the education department just so she could save the diminishing tarsiers.  
The girl just paraded with their flight attendant smiles. One of the girls even tried to affect an American accent (why?), and the host referred to judge Chrysee Semillano as “Creasy” (like the Denzel Washington character in Man on Fire. Okay, now repeat after me: Cry-see. Now say that 10 times over so you won’t forget.) 
Highlight of the event: A performance from an artist who wore nothing but thin boxer shorts. A couple of things made a surprise appearance as he kept on crossing and uncrossing his legs. And I’m not saying what. Let’s just say I’ve had bad dreams for three nights now, my dreams always featuring giant b- spheres chasing after me. (EEEEEEEEKKKK!) 
And now a compendium of knee-slappers from the previous pageants that I covered (with my bitchy remarks in italics afterwards):

Q: What makes you proud of Bacolod?
A: I am proud of Bacolod because it has a lot of beautiful natural resources. (What are you referring to, darling? The yellowish beaches of Punta Taytay or the murky Magsungay River?)

Q: What do you intend to do after this?
A: After this, I would like to live a simple lifestyle and be a fashion model at the same time. (Honey, you want a simple lifestyle? Ditch your modeling dreams, don a saffron toga and join the Dalai Lama in Tibet.)

 Q: What do you do during spare time?
 A: I go to a silent place in myself and do some soul-searching. (How… um… transcendental.)
 
Q: What do you think is your best asset?
 A: My legs, because the color of my legs is fair. (Huh?)

 Q: Which would you rather have, happiness or gratification?
 A: Gratification.
 Q: (Taken aback.) Why? What is gratification for you?
 A: Gratification is… gratitude. (Is that it? *Stalks away to look into the dictionary*)

Q: What is your favorite among your five senses and why?
A: My sense of sight, because they make me see the beauty of the world and of God’s gentle creatures. (Where have you been, honey? Have you just emerged from your self-exile in Avalon or something?)

And of course, this gem from the recent batch of candidates.

Q: Why did you join the contest?
A: SO that I can gain friends and boost my confidence. (Yeah… being paraded in front of an audience on the look-out for an unsightly peklat must do wonders for your ego.)

It’s too early to tell who would really win. Not when, as a friend puts it, “there ain’t no beauty in this pageant”. I disagree. One or two girls look half-way decent.  As for the rest… well… nothing to say except one of them resembles a refugee from a starvation camp (eat up, girl!).
Guess we will just have to wait come pageant night, huh? Then we can see which really deserves the crown, and which one would let us hope we are spared of the farce unraveling before our eyes.

Jump the Shark Special: Iron Chef America


Saw re-runs of the Iron Chef America the other night. My eyeballs were hurting from rolling too much at the sight of Marc Dacascos’ Chairman trying to out-camp his “uncle” (“And the secret ingredient is… *whish-whish* ONIONS!” I was half-expecting fires to come out of his nostrils, but no such luck.)  
But nothing inspires me more than Bobby Flay. He’s the George Bush of cooking. He has proven that a guy that can’t cook could be an Iron Chef. Way to go, Bobby!

Friday, October 3, 2008

The MassKara Chronicles: Travesty of the First Order


Talk about a travesty.  
Look, aren’t festivals supposed to be celebrations of something good? The pagans in pre-Christian times at least know how to celebrate these things. They celebrated when the harvest was good. When a new leader was born. When the chief screwed one of his daughters.
Whatever.
At least, there was a valid cause for celebration.
And now the MassKara Festival. It was first celebrated because MV Don Juan sank, bringing along with it an important figures of Negros, including a scion of a political family in Bacolod. I would like to think that the people celebrated because the city is one member short of a tyrant, but heck no. That would be purely delusional. Instead, the leaders grieved because of the loss. And all these at the time that the sugar industry was also going the way of MV Don Juan.  
That was a double whammy for the elite in Negros. One of them died, and the industry that paid for their mansions, luxury cars and Chanels was in deep sh*t. So what to do?  
Why celebrate! Give masks to the people! Smiling masks! To hide the grief!
Don’t know about you, but when my pockets are empty, and somebody I love just died, I don’t pop out the champagne (or the Coca-Cola – hehe). I would find the means to work harder, mourn the dead, and bury them. (And when you come to think of it, what if Mr Scion survived? What if only the common tao were killed in the tragedy? I don’t think we would even have the MassKara festival. Nobody grieves for the nobodies except their fellow nobodies).
That’s why, come October, I really don’t feel the need to celebrate along with the rest of the city. How can I, when I remember what the festival was all about?  
As I said, a travesty.

Wednesday, October 1, 2008

Namets!: A Taste of Negros


Negros is a diabetic’s nightmare.
Whoever invented the piaya, the pinasugbo and the Napoleones must have been trying to exact revenge against diabetic bully, hoping that in a roundabout way, the bully could be done in by hyperglycemic shock.
And it’s not just the desserts that have earned their reps for being killers. There’s our cansi and the chicken inasal. Both not complete without a generous of layer of grease.
Negrenses, after all, like their food two ways: sweet or greasy. Or both.
Either be a diabetic, or have high blood pressure. Or both.
The Negrenses’ love for food is the stuff of legends.
It ain’t exactly surprising then, that somebody had thought of making a movie about food IN Negros. And who can do it better than somebody who has a feel of the province, a true-blue, proud as heck Negrense, Jay Abello?
Yup, he’s the same guy who brought us Ligaw Liham and who is now slowly but surely creating buzz because of his new film, Namets!, a finalist to this year’s Cinemalaya Festival. Namets! (yes, that’s with an exclamation point) is written by fellow Negrense Vince Groyon, he of The Sky over Dimas Fame, himself an astute observer of the quirks of the elite in Negros.
Namets!, for the uninitiated, stars Christian Vasquez as Jacko and Angel Jacob as Cassie, two not-exactly-star-crossed lovers. Just a couple of chefs who share the same passion for cooking. Somewhere between the lumpia ubod and the cansi is love waiting to happen.
Abello, in an interview with IT Magazine, said the title Namets! was coined by Groyon himself.
“[E]veryone loved it,” he recalls, seeing that the word has a rather naughty ring to it. It works marketing-wise, Abello says, and it helped that it roused the curiosity of non-Hiligaynon speakers.
People who have seen the movie swore the food was the big star in the movie. Worth watching, they said, was the chemistry of its two lead stars. It’s a love story. With food. And Abello has no pretensions about his intentions when he shot the film. No Gallaga-ish dissection of the elite in Negros society. No Freudian analysis of the peasant struggle.
It’s a straightforward love story. Period.
In fact, Abello pretty much sums it up: “A no angst, nothing to say movie -- a popcorn-date-movie.”
The director points out that, after Ligaw Liham, people had been asking him why he hadn’t done a movie in the Hiligaynon language. The movie was his sort of answer to those pesky questions.
“I wanted my second movie to be in our dialect… And I wanted to do something commercial,” he said. Fusing food into the plotline seems like “a no-brainer”, given the way Negros takes pride in its food.
And it definitely helped that he worked with Negrenses, especially Vasquez and the MAN himself, Peque Gallaga.
Abello describes Vasquez as “wonderful and underrated” while he has nothing but praises for Gallaga, calling the director a “master”.
“(Christian) is very hard-working, very disciplined, very passionate about what he does, and very open to direction. Oh, and he really does his homework, he really works on his role. It was so easy to work with him. He gave so much to Namets that I can't even take any credit for his work on Namets,” he said. As for Gallaga, whom he fondly calls Direk Peque, Abello describes a “tedious” preparation the likes of Tom Hanks usually puts in his roles (remember the gauntness in Philadelphia? The ridiculous mullet in the Da Vinci Code?).
Gallaga, he says, “…studied his role to the point that it was his idea to cut his hair, and shave his mustache -- and give a totally new look to his role. And that takes a lot of commitment.”
What Abello appreciates most was the very non-intrusive way that the legendary director carries himself on the set.
Gallaga had been “very collaborative and very respectful. He doesn't go to the set as a director or teacher, he really respects the people in charge and he's there as an actor and collaborator. It's amazing.”
No J.Lo ego there. No prima donnas on the set. Which is a good thing, Abello says, because it made his work a whole lot easier.
GOING MAINSTREAM
Meanwhile, Abello is keeping himself busy directing a show for TV5.
“That is as mainstream as I can get,” he said. He keeps an open mind about going mainstream, although as he says, “there are no offers yet.”
Still, Abello maintains he has a soft spot for indie filmmaking. There is, after all, something liberating about not having to kowtow to studio’s wishes about how an effing movie has to end. How many mainstream films have been emasculated just so it would fit the commercial formula?
The director rightly observes that in the indie circuit, stories that are deemed too “uncommercial” by big studios are tackled by indie filmmakers.
“I think that the fact that indie films are not being dictated so much by formula or the pressure to earn back the producers investment, makes for a purer environment on the set of making a feature film where all the artists are plainly drawn by the art. And so-- the initiative in this arena is far richer and deeper, thus giving the movie a lot of love so-to-speak, which in some weird way gets translated on screen,” he says.
Aye, aye Direk!
Never mind the mainstream project (for now, at least).

Bring out the popcorn. Namets! is rolling by.

* This article will appear on IT Magazine this month.