Quick 25: Random Notes on Myself, Pop Culture and my Insanity

I quickly made a list of things while I was trying to justify the thoughts swirling in my head. I'm emptying it here and now. Note: I sometimes refer to myself in the third person, in case you're wondering...

1. Suffered from a serious brain illness – uhurm, NOT MENTAL illness – when she was five months. Doctors told my parents I would either be mentally subnormal or retarded. Now I can legitimately trace my insanity to a biological defect! Hehehe…
2. Couldn’t see the hype in THAT story about emo vampires with serious make-up issues. Really, there’s nothing hot about a vampire who looks like espasol. To those who do not know what an espasol is, click this link…
3. Thinks of death when she hears a Britney song. Death preferably of Britney.
4. She used to enjoy the Harry Potter franchise, but quickly loses interest by the time the fifth book comes along and the series starts to read like a third-rate bodice-ripper crossed with Fox soap opera. The plot contrivances (Did we really expect Percy to show up in the final battle? Ah, it was really a set-up so that JK could plot a tender scene of the arsehole cradling his brother’s lifeless body.) Plot holes big enough for Hagrid to pass through! What happened Ms Rowling? The reasons could be BILLIONS, I guess (If you know what I mean).
5. SERIOUSLY thinks Kim Chiu should fatten up.
6. SERIOUSLY thinks Gerald Anderson should take acting lessons.
7. SERIOUSLY thinks ABS-CBN and GMA should start creating original innovative shows instead of ripping off overseas over-rated, voyeuristic programs. Whenever I encounter another Korean tele-series or another Ugly Betty rip-off, I reach for my barf bag. No kidding.
8. Sometimes blames her electrolyte imbalance on incident stated in No. 1. That includes entertaining serious thoughts about doing a Tyler Durden against the House of Congress and hunting down Paris Hilton to prevent her from polluting the airwaves.
9. Couldn’t decide which artist she likes best: Pearl Jam or Nirvana. On the one hand, Eddie Vedder is a liberal but his unintelligible singing could sometimes be, er, unintelligible. On the other hand, Kurt Cobain was just pure genius. If you overlook the fact that he’s a heroin junkie who blew his brains out, he was really quite charming.
10. Used to like Bono of U2 until he became a blow-hard, sell-out, faux ambassador for the Third World. Stick to songs, Mr Bono!
11. Couldn’t decide which is sexier: Johnny Depp or RDJ. *Sigh* Sweeney Todd or Tony Stark? On the one hand, I wouldn’t mind having my throat slit for as long as Mr Depp is doing the slitting. On the other hand, “doing everything and anything Mr Stark requires” seems like a tempting job description, eh?
12. Thinks Dubya is an inspiration to imbeciles everywhere (“Hey, if that idiot can rule the most powerful nation on earth, why can’t I?”
13. Believes that President GMA is doing a good job.
14. Number 13 is a joke.
15. Used to devour Sweet Dream romances during high school and 20-odd years later was delighted to recognize Jeanne Tripplehorn in the cover of PS I Love You as well as Jen Aniston’s BFF Courtney Cox in the cover of another. HAHAHA!
16. Has a nasty three-tiered procrastinating habit: First Stage: There’s no need to rush the project. Still have time to watch another episode of House. Second Stage: Hmm… three days is enough to finish the project… but not before playing Mafia Wars for, like, 30 minutes. Third Stage: WTF! Is it deadline already????
17. Used to daydream that she was the fifth member of the Ghostbusters. Or at least was related to either Peter Venkman or Slimer (Yeah, I was weird, so what?).
18. Thinks that Peter Jackson is directly related to hobbits for two reasons: One, he just made a seminal film about Middle Earth that is to be the standard for epics everywhere; Two: He’s hairy. ‘Nuff said.
19. Counts the Matrix as one of the best sci-fi films she watched because it has two things going for it: (1) A great plot which withstood Mr Keanu Reeves efforts to wreck the movie with his terrible acting, (2) Carrie Anne Moss in leather.
20. Fell in love with the Pillsbury Doughboy because it resembles her husband. Harharhar!
21. Couldn’t see why people would continue watching a sudsy, over-rated movie about a sinking ship just because Leo DiCap happens to be on it. (And Kate Winslet appeared stark naked).
22. Once had an argument with a Harry Potter fan in a forum and Spider-Man fan in another because she declared that the two were GAY. I wasn’t trolling, I swear, but how could you explain their habit of shooting white stuff at their enemies?
23. Fell in love with Gael Garcia Bernal in Y Tu Mama Tambien. Then again in Motorcycle Diaries. And again in The Science of Sleep.
24. Is a huge fan of Sex and the City series but was quite disappointed with a film, which looks like an extended video of Vogue.
25. Used to fantasize about Boyzone’s Stephen Gately only to be devastated when learning that Mr Gately was gay. *Sigh* Why are all the good ones unavailable?

Five things that ruined my Christmas

Okay, let me make things clear. I’m too old a person, too sane, too reasonable to believe that roughly 2000 years ago, an all-powerful deity decided to send His Only Son to save the world and all that jazz. I’m too old a person, too sane, too reasonable to believe in stuff like heraldic angels, donkeys that know their way to the stable, bright stars that act like beacons for lost wandering magi.
But I do celebrate Christmas. Nope, it’s not because I am a handful of brain cells short of being sane (though my brother would definitely argue that THAT’s the thing). It’s just that, it’s sorta nice to strip your cynicism for a year and really, really celebrate with people who matter the most, giving them gifts and at least letting them know they matter. Once a year. Nice. (Hey, come on. Gimme a break. I ain’t a complete Scrooge).

But still, there are really things that test your patience, that make you want to hand out little Darwin trophies so that we would finally be rid of idiots that litter the populace. And so to the countdown of things that nearly ruined my belief that despite the puppets in the Senate and that aberration called mutant called Jok-jok Bolante, there’s still good in the world:

1. That annoying neighbor who makes it a point to share his music. Look, I only take this much amount of Christmas carols before I go into seizures and slit my wrists. And I even have less tolerance for those Mariah Carey bastardizations and those Britney Spears bubblegum ditties. Those things just make me wanna puke my guts out, one organ at a time. But my neighbor? Why he just feels compelled to pop in carols, Mariah Carey and N’Sync CDs and put the volume way up, so that people within the 1-km radius could hear his music. I can stand the guy (couldn’t see him anyway. His house is draped in heavy curtains… couldn’t care less if he spends the day jerking off to WWF posters or lighting candles on a pentagram while sacrificing goats); I just can’t stand the music.

2. Kids who dart in and out of traffic in downtown area for Fear Factor-ish caroling. Um… nothing against the kids, you hear? And never mind the misanthropes who feel that caroling is just a legit form of mendicancy. No, I’m talking about the risks that the children are exposed to just to earn a few pesos per car (hopefully). Tragically, one of them kids met his end, squished beneath the tires of a pick-up truck that was trying to navigate the labyrinthine streets along Central Market. His mother told us the kid was trying to earn a few pesos so that he could have something to buy for his Kris Kringle. The fact that the “future leaders of our nation” are reduced to begging in the streets at Christmastime, no less – well, that just puts a damper to things, huh?

3. Outrageous product placements at the malls. Coke (hyperacidity anyone?), McDonald’s (McFats and McHeartAttacks – not very palatable options, huh?), Jollibee (Still McFats and McHeartAttacks – maybe minus the Mac), Purefoods (jamon de bola drowning in lard - yummy), San Miguel (pickle your liver for free!) and a hundred other MNC products that reek of shameless capitalism.

4. Cheap relatives. Okay, I understand the economic pie is skewed, way skewed and favors those on top. But puh-lease, spare us the opportunity for a one-raised-eyebrow moment (my good friend, The Turk is soooooooooooooo good at it) by re-gifting stuff and sending us stuff that we gave you. I once received a stuffed pig from a relative which upon closer scrutiny was the stuffed pig I gave her kid the year before. The gift even has the same tensil and wrapping paper. GRRR!

5. Humbugs. I have friends who don’t celebrate Christmas at all. And I know of people from different faiths who don’t believe in Christ (they celebrate Chanukah instead, or stuff like that). But, please don’t be such cheap a-holes you wouldn’t pay the requisite 13th month pay because, well, you don’t celebrate the season. It’s one thing not to believe in God, it’s another to actually exploit people. So, cough up the dough already!

Have a blessed Christmas everybody!

Note: Cartoon Courtesy of Flickr

Mayor Belt-Holder

Who’s that guy holding Manny’s belt? He’s the mayor of a Negros city, right?
Ah, the indignity we are willing to endure just so we can bask on the reflected glory of the Pambansang Kamao (not related to the Pambansang Ibon – though the resemblance is remarkable).
Heard from the grapevine that this mayor had a habit of transferring loyalties at the last minute. He was known to have ditched his patron oh so many years ago because of his political ambitions.
I’m betting he’s gonna transfer to Oscar Dela Hoya’s side at the last minute once he knows what Dela Hoya really looks like.
I’m not implying anything. I’m just saying. ‘Nuff said.

Funny Quotes and the Hero that is Manny Pacquiao

Quotes that crack me up:
Overheard. An exchange between an isaw vendor and her customer.
“Hey, how’s your lola? Do you still get to visit her?”
“I go there everyday sometimes.” (Eyng… huh?)

In a religious recollection:
“Tell me who you are and I’ll tell you who you are.”
“Birds of the same flock feather together.”
“I need that blue yellow pad!”
“I looooooooooooove David’s wieners!”

Outside a native restaurant:
“Hey… ka watch na kamo Seabiscuit?”
“Si Biscuit? Sino na man?”

In Wowowee.
“May puso ka Willie!” Yeah, right… he has such a big heart he beats his wife to a pulp. And he readily exploits people’s poverty, promising rewards if anybody calls him “Gwapo”. Such a big heart, huh?

In a seminar:
“We know that when Manny Pacquiao fights, he fights for us, for the nation.”
Only an idiot would believe in this whopper. Yeah, Manny Pacquiao is a great fighter, defeating Mex boxers who are all way past their prime anyway. He punches well, yes. But a hero? Please, hand me the barf bag. Let’s not get too hung up and emotional with this, please. I’ve seen heroes sacrificing their lives for the country, and so far, on the hero level Pacquiao is not even that close. I would luuuuuuuuuuuurv to see the day when our “hero” fights without the prize money.
How can you call somebody a hero when he lives in a multi-million mansion while his father languishes in squalor? How can you call somebody a hero when he earns billions from his fights, but hardly spares a cent for an impoverished fan from the provinces (I know this one personally, because the call he turned down came from my husband, a broadcaster who was approached by the dead fan’s family for help. My husband can still hear Manny’s voice as he gruffly turned his assistant, “Sabihin mo tulog ako”. Idiot. He was partying, and he could hardly spare a cent for a poor man’s coffin. Again, idiot.).
So yes, call Manny a great boxer. But a hero? Heck, no.

Of Emo and the Vamps

What’s with the emo rev? First, it infects music. Now, the vampires.
Grrrrrr… Okay, take a good look at the pic right there. Cake make-up, cheesy lipstick, dark eyeshadows. Stupid vapid vampire.  
I, along with the rest of the family, watched the movie that has the tween set swooning, sighing and cracking their heads on the vinyl theater floors. Of course, I’m talking about Twilight, that over-rated movie about gorgeous (?) vampires with really bad make-up.
While the girl at my back was shrieking, my seven-year-old niece beside me was yawning, “This is not creepy, this is boring.”  
Right on, gurl! Okay, okay… I get it. The movie was all about (supposed) repression and abstinence, so I did the next best thing. Maybe I was just missing something. So I DLed the book.
And boy, was I surprised. The book was written in Sweet Dreams prose, with a lot of references to how “penetrating” and “tantalizing” the eyes of the main biter was (can’t remember what the name was – sounded Irish. And really, I don’t care.) Look, if you have a vampire book and the vampires are as interesting as the mold forming in my three-day enchilada, how good can that get?
So in frustration, I went home and watched Keyser Soze instead, a character exponentially more menacing than an emo neckbiter.  At least, my cerebral cortex wasn't left numb for two hours...

Seven Legionnaires + 1: The Tale of Internet Addiction

Or Who Lurks in the Dark When You’re Online

Note on photo: The Magnificent Seven, yes... the Legionnaires? Um... no...

Why is it that crack addicts and computer aficionados are both called users?
That query has been a staple of stand-up comics and fire-and-brimstone preachers of the Jerry Falwell kind, you know the kind that sees the hand of the Devil in Atari, NES, Tinky-Winky and Barney.
The Teletubbies and Barney aside, quite a ruckus has been raised regarding the evils of the new evil: online games. Yup… am talking about anything from Diablo to any of the RAs to WoW (if you don’t know any of this, stop reading. This article ain’t for you.)
Now, there are addicts, and there are addicts.
And then there’s the Seven Legionnaires. According to recent studies (mostly mine – hehehe), these Magnificent Seven has nothing to do with the Roman Empire and has everything to do with levels of addiction of experienced by the young people today. I’ve met them, mostly through online fora. I’m sharing the travails of the Seven Legionnaires to you. Who knows, you might know one of them. Or you could be one of them.
The Kid. The most adorable, loveable kid this corner of the Internet world. I just luuuuurv this kid. Has an over-developed right hemisphere, which kind of compensates for his lack of macho genes. Age, not certain. Looks 12, but has mental capacity of a 21-year-old. Maybe he’s 21. Maybe not. Cute to a fault. Staunch defender of the Creationism Theory. Plays spiritual adviser to lost, damned souls. And did I say I love this kid?
Back story: According to The Kid, he came from Harrogath. He decided to join the Seven Legionnaires because he wants to defend Mankind’s last stand from the dark elements. Asking around, I discovered that the Kid is actually good-looking, but in some way has displeased God, so he was cursed, trapped in a 12-year-old body. Or (if The Jock is to be believed) he was a Paladin, but he forged an unholy alliance with Baal as part of his sacrifice. So he was trapped in 12-year-old body. Not sure which is true.
Online Behavior: Plays fair in online games. Is usually OL, doing OL activities from 12 to 12, risking a lot from his sex life (if he has any) to his social life (he has a lot – most of which is done online). Goes offline only to take a bath and eat.
Mortality Rate: 75 percent. He still eats, but hey, you can never tell how addled the brain can get once it gets exposed to radiation 12 hours a day. Remember Chernobyl? Although I think that’s a different kind of radiation…

The Chick Magnet. Despite his sexual shenanigans, really a gentleman at heart. Quite liberal about views on women (character is more important than a hymen!). But quite conservative in certain areas (gays should be burned at the stake!). Quite attractive to girls (not this girl, though). Seen his pic. Looks androgynous. But I’ve received a lot of calls and e-mails from girls wanting to get laid by him. Sexual libido so potent, there’s not a virgin within a five-meter radius from him. Hmmm… I wonder why. Irrevocably neurotic. Scoffs at the Illuminati. Whatever that is. Hates crabs.
Back story. This charmer is a reformed online predator. Rumored to have given live human sacrifices before the altar of Asmodeus, the Lord of Lust. The Asshole calls CM a Pedophile. Now, Chick Magnet refused to divulge personal information about himself (no matter how fictitious), so I did my own research. Based on “sources”, he joined the Seven Legionnaires because of crabs. No, not the kind you are thinking of. The kind that lives in water. Yes. Giant ones. Seems like Big Giant Crabs invaded his village one day, destroyed his computer and made off with his wife and kids. That explains why he hates crabs.
Online Behavior. Plays fair, most of the time. Spends an average of five to 9 hours online. Opens his YM, only to leave it for some other things. Used to lurk online for sexual prospects. Has reformed since then.
Mortality rate: 30 percent. Points for being a reformed sexual offender.

The Turk. Classic tall, dark and handsome. Hottest among the Seven. Think a Roman Tom Cruise in his Top Gun days, ‘xcept The Turk’s taller. Two most important things in life: his formidable grandmother and his monthly online subscription to RA (or whatever is the IT game of the moment). As smart as he is handsome. Hates crab jokes. Hates jokes altogether. Obliviously ignorant to the swarms of girls drooling over his majestic presence. Very down-to-earth. Would have made a good husband, except he’s already married – to his computer.
Back story. Fought in the Crusades on Saladin’s side. Seduced the Queen and very nearly succeeded. Joined the Legion because he still couldn’t believe Richard the Lionheart could be so deceitful. Vows to retake Jerusalem at all costs. When he’s not fighting in The Crusades, he loans money to fellow-warriors at 20 percent interest per annum. He’s The Asshole’s whip, often admonishing the latter esp. in formal parties, “Asshole, don’t be yourself.”
Online Behavior: Plays with equal amounts of smarts, strategy and “no mercy” (just ask The Kid). Got bored with DOTA after he killed three characters with one stroke. Has propensity to cheat. Has been online for 36 hours at one time. Has a habit of trolling. Neglects to eat and attends to his personal effects esp. in a middle of an intense game. Despite good looks, remains painfully single because of his habit.
Mortality rate. 90 percent. As much as I hate to admit it (after all, who doesn’t love The Turk?), at the rate things are going, he ought to be dead by now. Which would send The Artist and dozens of girls grieving.

The Dark Prince. Easily my favorite character. Swings from Democrat to Republican in a blink of an eye. Woefully liberal and cynical, especially against Organized Religion and Politics, but quite homophobic. (See the swing from Left to Right?) Mind too difficult to fathom. A genius. A gentleman through and through. Haven’t seen him crack a smile. Not once. Sometimes too serious for his own good. But has a good heart. That’s important. One of those I would really miss when he’s gone.
Back story. Actually, I was too scared to ask him personally. The Kid tells me he was spawned in the hottest area in the center of the earth. Also goes by the name Mephistopheles, Baal and Beelzebub, although The Chick Magnet swears that The DP is Satan himself. He joined the Legion because he plans to take over the earth and throw down God one soul at a time. He lives presently with his adopted parents, after a group of archeologists dug him up. Has an adopted brother. (When he says, “My brother is an only child,” he’s actually telling the truth.) Not to be confused with Hellboy. Or Superman for that matter.
Online Behavior: Plays deceitfully, although his minion swears, “He’s just a master. Period.” Is vulnerable to sparklies from certain OL games. Spends eight hours online, but makes it a point log off at 11 pm. Good boy. Or shall I say, Good Devil.
Mortality Rate: 30 percent. Could have been lower, except for the sparklies thing.

The Asshole. Aka The Cool One. Notoriously right-wing. Voted Republican then, still votes Republican now. Often goes into protracted arguments with The Chick Magnet over his right-wing views on women. A “gentle” man. Sources say he’s gay, and his virulent homophobia is just a front. Can’t tell if it’s true. Biggest achievement to date: Chugging a bottle of beer in three seconds (does that account for the beer belly?). Small daily achievements: Annoying the heck out of people within the 15-meter-radius. Like his name implies, an arsehole. Has an unreasonable hatred against crabs.
Back story: Fought with Alexander the Great during the battle of Thermopylae. Or was that Leonidas? I’m confused. Anyway, according to rumors, one day Leonidas the Great called upon our hero over to his tent. The Asshole was not the same since. Joined the Legion to recover lost dignity.
Online Behavior. Always busy. Has propensity to go off line on you, even in the middle of chatting. Goes online for six hours. Maybe even less. Dabbles into sports too (real ones, not the ones involving a joy stick or a mouse).
Mortality Rate: 15 percent. He’s more into sports, anyway.

The Jock. Ah… model student. Two ways: Great abs, great attitude. Doesn’t make his relative poverty get in the way of getting a good education. Girl-crazy (aren’t they all?). He keeps a list of girls as prospects and keeps a Friendster account for the very same reason. He hits on every other girl he knows online (except this girl, for some reason), but always ends up dry. Maybe, he should take lessons from The Chick Magnet. He is into sports. Very down-to-earth. Very good-looking, patrician features. His bone structure is almost too feminine, prompting talks about sex change (hehehe). Middle-of-the-road politics. Could be naïve sometimes. Very likeable.
Back Story. The Lover of Shandelzare Silkwood. He went on a quest to avenge Shandelzare’s death, not knowing that his lover has already been risen from the dead. Forged alliance with one of them necromancers, so that he could blast Mortred (the gal who wasted Shandelzare) into an exploding corpse. Joined the Legionnaires for the very same reason.
Online Behavior: Rarely online (thanks Globe!). Is online long enough to chat for five minutes, then goes offline. Then online again. Then offline.
Mortality rate: 5 percent. Thanks to Globe.

The Artist. Has an over-grown right hemisphere. No left hemisphere. CAT scan startled doctors at the find. Often too busy with church-y activities (?). Great with guitars, good singing voice. Feeble jokes, but the rest of the Legionnaires laugh anyway. His face is funnier than his jokes… hahaha. Very likeable. Rumored to be The Turk’s lover (“You wanna eat my balut, Mr Turk?” “Don’t want to… your balut is too hairy!”). Musical choice very eclectic: From Fashionista to Christian rock, to BisRock (Baboy, anyone?).
Back Story: No back story. Just joined the Legion because of The Turk. His nationality is difficult to pinpoint. He’s obviously Pinoy because he knows balut, but looks Syrian. Could be Grecian-Filipino. He was once minstrel in the court of Leonidas but left in disgust when he witnessed what happened to The Asshole. Still owes The Turk some money (not sure if that’s the reason for his attachment.)
Online Behavior: Intermittent appearance. Is online only when he has no other things to do, no drums to bang.
Mortality rate. 5 percent, thanks to the banging.

And now, the Plus 1.

The Clown. Sports nut. Car and basketball fanatic. Once had abs to rival Leonidas, now, it’s mostly beer (or Pepsi) belly. The Original Chick Magnet. Barack supporter (Go! Barack!) Drowns himself in Pepsi every day. Great jokes (DOH! He’s a clown!) Musical preferences eclectic: from country to jazz to Dave Matthews Band. Would kill anybody who would say a bad word vs the band. Jordan hater; LeBron lover (NOT that kind of lover). Love this guy!
Back story: The Clown originally served the court of one of the Louis until he (the Louis, not the Clown) lost his head. Now, he can’t get away from his day job, so he spends hours entertaining the Legionnaires. Often sits in front of The Turk, learning strategies from the master. Joined the Legionnaires… to entertain them.
Online Behavior: Goes online for four, five hours. Surfs mostly sports news, porn and stand-up comedies. Remember the games in the old Nintendo family computer? A lot of those games have a bonus round where the player can pile up points without the risk of losing the character’s life. He doesn’t pile up the points. Instead other players pile up points because of him… yes, he’s that bad despite the teachings of The Turk.
Mortality Rate. 25 percent. Should be only 1 percent, but chances of survival lowers because of his diet (The guy eats everything that doesn’t move! That’s why The Kid has to move incessantly whenever The Clown is around, else The Clown might take him for something edible.) Great survival rate for a guy who can’t play.

World Food Month

You know what's the other name for October?  

It's World Food Month according to the UN.  'Course, the month will not be complete without my mentioning it.  So in memory of the millions suffering from famine, the peasants who have barely enough food to eat while their masters dine in caviar chased by Monsieur Perignon, I commemorate the month in their honor, along with this legendary pic from one of the lamented members of the Bang-Bang Club, Kevin Carter.  It's a heartbreaking picture of a famine-stricken Sudanese toddler crawling her way to the UN Feeding Center while a vulture waits in the background.  The picture had bothered the beejesus out of my seven-year-old niece who was bugged by the fact that a child that young might actually die because of sheer lack of food.

So the next time you dismiss sweet spaghetti as a mere "bastardization" of past-uh, the next time you start tapping your gag reflex just so you could fit into your size 2 5o1s, the next time you order a second helping in a eat-all-you-can buffet (and throw the rest  to waste anyway), think of the child who has neither of those luxuries.   

In honor of the penniless, foodless people all over the world, this is for you.