Seven Legionnaires + 1: The Tale of Internet Addiction

Or Who Lurks in the Dark When You’re Online

Note on photo: The Magnificent Seven, yes... the Legionnaires? Um... no...

Why is it that crack addicts and computer aficionados are both called users?
That query has been a staple of stand-up comics and fire-and-brimstone preachers of the Jerry Falwell kind, you know the kind that sees the hand of the Devil in Atari, NES, Tinky-Winky and Barney.
The Teletubbies and Barney aside, quite a ruckus has been raised regarding the evils of the new evil: online games. Yup… am talking about anything from Diablo to any of the RAs to WoW (if you don’t know any of this, stop reading. This article ain’t for you.)
Now, there are addicts, and there are addicts.
And then there’s the Seven Legionnaires. According to recent studies (mostly mine – hehehe), these Magnificent Seven has nothing to do with the Roman Empire and has everything to do with levels of addiction of experienced by the young people today. I’ve met them, mostly through online fora. I’m sharing the travails of the Seven Legionnaires to you. Who knows, you might know one of them. Or you could be one of them.
The Kid. The most adorable, loveable kid this corner of the Internet world. I just luuuuurv this kid. Has an over-developed right hemisphere, which kind of compensates for his lack of macho genes. Age, not certain. Looks 12, but has mental capacity of a 21-year-old. Maybe he’s 21. Maybe not. Cute to a fault. Staunch defender of the Creationism Theory. Plays spiritual adviser to lost, damned souls. And did I say I love this kid?
Back story: According to The Kid, he came from Harrogath. He decided to join the Seven Legionnaires because he wants to defend Mankind’s last stand from the dark elements. Asking around, I discovered that the Kid is actually good-looking, but in some way has displeased God, so he was cursed, trapped in a 12-year-old body. Or (if The Jock is to be believed) he was a Paladin, but he forged an unholy alliance with Baal as part of his sacrifice. So he was trapped in 12-year-old body. Not sure which is true.
Online Behavior: Plays fair in online games. Is usually OL, doing OL activities from 12 to 12, risking a lot from his sex life (if he has any) to his social life (he has a lot – most of which is done online). Goes offline only to take a bath and eat.
Mortality Rate: 75 percent. He still eats, but hey, you can never tell how addled the brain can get once it gets exposed to radiation 12 hours a day. Remember Chernobyl? Although I think that’s a different kind of radiation…

The Chick Magnet. Despite his sexual shenanigans, really a gentleman at heart. Quite liberal about views on women (character is more important than a hymen!). But quite conservative in certain areas (gays should be burned at the stake!). Quite attractive to girls (not this girl, though). Seen his pic. Looks androgynous. But I’ve received a lot of calls and e-mails from girls wanting to get laid by him. Sexual libido so potent, there’s not a virgin within a five-meter radius from him. Hmmm… I wonder why. Irrevocably neurotic. Scoffs at the Illuminati. Whatever that is. Hates crabs.
Back story. This charmer is a reformed online predator. Rumored to have given live human sacrifices before the altar of Asmodeus, the Lord of Lust. The Asshole calls CM a Pedophile. Now, Chick Magnet refused to divulge personal information about himself (no matter how fictitious), so I did my own research. Based on “sources”, he joined the Seven Legionnaires because of crabs. No, not the kind you are thinking of. The kind that lives in water. Yes. Giant ones. Seems like Big Giant Crabs invaded his village one day, destroyed his computer and made off with his wife and kids. That explains why he hates crabs.
Online Behavior. Plays fair, most of the time. Spends an average of five to 9 hours online. Opens his YM, only to leave it for some other things. Used to lurk online for sexual prospects. Has reformed since then.
Mortality rate: 30 percent. Points for being a reformed sexual offender.

The Turk. Classic tall, dark and handsome. Hottest among the Seven. Think a Roman Tom Cruise in his Top Gun days, ‘xcept The Turk’s taller. Two most important things in life: his formidable grandmother and his monthly online subscription to RA (or whatever is the IT game of the moment). As smart as he is handsome. Hates crab jokes. Hates jokes altogether. Obliviously ignorant to the swarms of girls drooling over his majestic presence. Very down-to-earth. Would have made a good husband, except he’s already married – to his computer.
Back story. Fought in the Crusades on Saladin’s side. Seduced the Queen and very nearly succeeded. Joined the Legion because he still couldn’t believe Richard the Lionheart could be so deceitful. Vows to retake Jerusalem at all costs. When he’s not fighting in The Crusades, he loans money to fellow-warriors at 20 percent interest per annum. He’s The Asshole’s whip, often admonishing the latter esp. in formal parties, “Asshole, don’t be yourself.”
Online Behavior: Plays with equal amounts of smarts, strategy and “no mercy” (just ask The Kid). Got bored with DOTA after he killed three characters with one stroke. Has propensity to cheat. Has been online for 36 hours at one time. Has a habit of trolling. Neglects to eat and attends to his personal effects esp. in a middle of an intense game. Despite good looks, remains painfully single because of his habit.
Mortality rate. 90 percent. As much as I hate to admit it (after all, who doesn’t love The Turk?), at the rate things are going, he ought to be dead by now. Which would send The Artist and dozens of girls grieving.

The Dark Prince. Easily my favorite character. Swings from Democrat to Republican in a blink of an eye. Woefully liberal and cynical, especially against Organized Religion and Politics, but quite homophobic. (See the swing from Left to Right?) Mind too difficult to fathom. A genius. A gentleman through and through. Haven’t seen him crack a smile. Not once. Sometimes too serious for his own good. But has a good heart. That’s important. One of those I would really miss when he’s gone.
Back story. Actually, I was too scared to ask him personally. The Kid tells me he was spawned in the hottest area in the center of the earth. Also goes by the name Mephistopheles, Baal and Beelzebub, although The Chick Magnet swears that The DP is Satan himself. He joined the Legion because he plans to take over the earth and throw down God one soul at a time. He lives presently with his adopted parents, after a group of archeologists dug him up. Has an adopted brother. (When he says, “My brother is an only child,” he’s actually telling the truth.) Not to be confused with Hellboy. Or Superman for that matter.
Online Behavior: Plays deceitfully, although his minion swears, “He’s just a master. Period.” Is vulnerable to sparklies from certain OL games. Spends eight hours online, but makes it a point log off at 11 pm. Good boy. Or shall I say, Good Devil.
Mortality Rate: 30 percent. Could have been lower, except for the sparklies thing.

The Asshole. Aka The Cool One. Notoriously right-wing. Voted Republican then, still votes Republican now. Often goes into protracted arguments with The Chick Magnet over his right-wing views on women. A “gentle” man. Sources say he’s gay, and his virulent homophobia is just a front. Can’t tell if it’s true. Biggest achievement to date: Chugging a bottle of beer in three seconds (does that account for the beer belly?). Small daily achievements: Annoying the heck out of people within the 15-meter-radius. Like his name implies, an arsehole. Has an unreasonable hatred against crabs.
Back story: Fought with Alexander the Great during the battle of Thermopylae. Or was that Leonidas? I’m confused. Anyway, according to rumors, one day Leonidas the Great called upon our hero over to his tent. The Asshole was not the same since. Joined the Legion to recover lost dignity.
Online Behavior. Always busy. Has propensity to go off line on you, even in the middle of chatting. Goes online for six hours. Maybe even less. Dabbles into sports too (real ones, not the ones involving a joy stick or a mouse).
Mortality Rate: 15 percent. He’s more into sports, anyway.

The Jock. Ah… model student. Two ways: Great abs, great attitude. Doesn’t make his relative poverty get in the way of getting a good education. Girl-crazy (aren’t they all?). He keeps a list of girls as prospects and keeps a Friendster account for the very same reason. He hits on every other girl he knows online (except this girl, for some reason), but always ends up dry. Maybe, he should take lessons from The Chick Magnet. He is into sports. Very down-to-earth. Very good-looking, patrician features. His bone structure is almost too feminine, prompting talks about sex change (hehehe). Middle-of-the-road politics. Could be naïve sometimes. Very likeable.
Back Story. The Lover of Shandelzare Silkwood. He went on a quest to avenge Shandelzare’s death, not knowing that his lover has already been risen from the dead. Forged alliance with one of them necromancers, so that he could blast Mortred (the gal who wasted Shandelzare) into an exploding corpse. Joined the Legionnaires for the very same reason.
Online Behavior: Rarely online (thanks Globe!). Is online long enough to chat for five minutes, then goes offline. Then online again. Then offline.
Mortality rate: 5 percent. Thanks to Globe.

The Artist. Has an over-grown right hemisphere. No left hemisphere. CAT scan startled doctors at the find. Often too busy with church-y activities (?). Great with guitars, good singing voice. Feeble jokes, but the rest of the Legionnaires laugh anyway. His face is funnier than his jokes… hahaha. Very likeable. Rumored to be The Turk’s lover (“You wanna eat my balut, Mr Turk?” “Don’t want to… your balut is too hairy!”). Musical choice very eclectic: From Fashionista to Christian rock, to BisRock (Baboy, anyone?).
Back Story: No back story. Just joined the Legion because of The Turk. His nationality is difficult to pinpoint. He’s obviously Pinoy because he knows balut, but looks Syrian. Could be Grecian-Filipino. He was once minstrel in the court of Leonidas but left in disgust when he witnessed what happened to The Asshole. Still owes The Turk some money (not sure if that’s the reason for his attachment.)
Online Behavior: Intermittent appearance. Is online only when he has no other things to do, no drums to bang.
Mortality rate. 5 percent, thanks to the banging.

And now, the Plus 1.

The Clown. Sports nut. Car and basketball fanatic. Once had abs to rival Leonidas, now, it’s mostly beer (or Pepsi) belly. The Original Chick Magnet. Barack supporter (Go! Barack!) Drowns himself in Pepsi every day. Great jokes (DOH! He’s a clown!) Musical preferences eclectic: from country to jazz to Dave Matthews Band. Would kill anybody who would say a bad word vs the band. Jordan hater; LeBron lover (NOT that kind of lover). Love this guy!
Back story: The Clown originally served the court of one of the Louis until he (the Louis, not the Clown) lost his head. Now, he can’t get away from his day job, so he spends hours entertaining the Legionnaires. Often sits in front of The Turk, learning strategies from the master. Joined the Legionnaires… to entertain them.
Online Behavior: Goes online for four, five hours. Surfs mostly sports news, porn and stand-up comedies. Remember the games in the old Nintendo family computer? A lot of those games have a bonus round where the player can pile up points without the risk of losing the character’s life. He doesn’t pile up the points. Instead other players pile up points because of him… yes, he’s that bad despite the teachings of The Turk.
Mortality Rate. 25 percent. Should be only 1 percent, but chances of survival lowers because of his diet (The guy eats everything that doesn’t move! That’s why The Kid has to move incessantly whenever The Clown is around, else The Clown might take him for something edible.) Great survival rate for a guy who can’t play.